The other day I had a disagreement with an acquaintance. She likes dog breeding and dogs shows and I don’t. I don’t really want to talk about my reasons beyond saying that I am not a fan of businesses that use animals as commodities or for entertainment. The disagreement is just set up for talking about some other thoughts. People disagree. Even good people have different opinions. In general, unless we are treading into morally charged territory like racism, misogyny, bigotry against specific groups, etc. differences are no big deal to me.
The difference in opinion would not have bothered me at all, but what did bother me was the framing she was using that included speak like “you know better” and “you don’t really believe that.” What I find most ironic is that she felt her opinion was being silenced, when I told her “You have a right to your opinion, what you do not have a right to do is come into my space and tell me what I am allowed to say or what I really think.”
The use of language like “You know better” or “you don’t really believe that” is a tactic (even if an unconscious one) to delegitimize someone else’s point of view. There is a huge difference between “I disagree and here’s why” and “You don’t know what the right thing to believe is, so I’m going to tell you now.” Disagreeing with me is fine, diminishing me is not.
To add insult to injury, she also made the utterly laughable suggestion that I was just being contrary, because I had a bad experience with a social worker a week or so ago. Like I can’t separate out a completely unrelated experience from general worldview? Like I have one facet of me (caregiver) and can’t have thoughts and opinions unrelated ot it? Please. I’ve had men do the whole “You’re tired/overwrought, etc.” bullshit on me, but to have another woman do it to me while telling me I don’t know what I think and screaming that her voice was being squelched (sorry, lady, your voice extends to sharing YOUR opinions, not telling others what their should be) is what really triggered me.
And, yeah, I’ll admit I was triggered. I work really hard to educate myself and don’t just based my well thought out world views on whim. As a result, it’s annoying to have someone talk to me like I’m some kind of hysteric or child, who doesn’t know her own mind. I’ll even admit that there’s probably some ego in there. The thing is that I make some of my money teaching women to use their voices and speak up, so I don’t feel like I can just let someone come into my space trying to dismiss my views without speaking up for myself, if I don’t want to be a complete hypocrite.
While I probably would have made an effort to make up had she been an actual friend and not just a random Facebook acquaintance, who travels in a few of the same groups I do, I didn’t really let the nonsense go too far before making it clear I was done. She ended up unfriending me, which is unfortunate, but fine. I am not for everyone and everyone is not for me. She will find her true people just as I will continue to find mine.
The whole experience reminds me how far I’ve come in terms of boundaries. There was a time, when I would have let her bully me and would have left the exchange worrying that I was “wrong.” That’s not to say that I don’t review my actions and look for ways in which I might have handled things differently, but I also don’t immediately assume that I am the one in the wrong anymore and take all the responsibility onto myself, which is something I used to do.
The biggest difference today is that I know my boundaries and enforce them. One of my boundaries is that dementia makes my life dramatic enough. As a result, I don’t tolerate drama in my space, especially not from people who are no more than acquaintances (real friends and family get a little more leeway, because there’s more investment there). It doesn’t matter to me if you’re a friendly acquaintance or even a potential client. While I do try to be understanding and fair, I also don’t do drama and my door closes, if you bring it to my doorstep.
And that’s the thing when you’re living with a situation like an illness that carries with it a high baseline of responsibility and stress. You have to find ways to protect your reserves. It’s really important to me these days that my reserves go toward taking care of my mom and also myself. That means that I have some pretty hardcore boundaries around what I tolerate and that I say “no” a lot more these days than I ever used to. If things were different, I would probably be a little softer about some of these things, but my priorities are my priorities just as my beliefs are my beliefs and no one else gets to tell me what I believe or what’s important to me. It’s our basic core values that give us the strength to fight another day.
While I’m sad for any anger or hurt over what should have been a minor issue aroused on either side, when I look at how far I’ve come in knowing and enforcing my boundaries, I’m actually pretty proud of myself. And so, I thank the universe for this experience and for the way in which it showed me how much stronger I am now than I ever was before and I release it and say go with the Goddess, but go.