Stir Crazy

Do you ever get to the point where you get so sick of your own cooking, you can barely stand it?

We don’t go out a ton these days, but due to the broken car, we’ve been grounded for a couple weeks now and I swear I’d cut a bitch for a gyro or some french fries or pretty much anything not made by me at home. It’s not even that I’m a bad cook. I admittedly get lazy these days when it comes to cooking, but I’m a good cook and I like to explore different types of cuisines. We eat homemade pizzas, fried oysters, tagines, curries, all sorts of things, but I’m SO bored of myself and things that can come to me via grocery delivery.

And the truth is that when you’re caring for someone who can’t be left alone ever and isn’t always fit for public consumption, sometimes it’s the little things like a trip through the drive-thru that make you feel normal. Not being able to use my car and having to rely on others for rides and such just makes me feel like I’m suffocating. Even if I don’t always go out, I need to know that I could, if I wanted to. You know how it is when you can’t do something. Suddenly it becomes that thing you MUST accomplish or surely you will die.

Thankfully, the monotony was broken up a bit our the trip to the waterfalls last week. I’d be a hundred times worse, if I hadn’t gotten out that day. Honestly, that is the thing I miss most when it comes to being a caregiver — the ability to just take off whenever I feel like it and go for a ride or road-trip. I have been lucky thus far that my mom still likes rides (most of the time), but it’s not the same as the old days either. It’s always a production getting her out the door and there’s always the chance that she’ll become surly and want to go home or have a meltdown in the driveway, because she doesn’t want to go in the house. It’s not the same stress-free thing it once was because her behavior is always a bit of a crap shoot. It used to be that she never got angry on rides. The car was like our magic, FTD-free place, but now she occasionally gets miffed there too (though less often than at home).

The good news is that I now have the money for my new alternator, so we are again on the precipice of freedom. I really hate that I have to worry about spending the money and having enough when these sorts of things come up. I’ve never had to budget like this in my life. This i going to sound so weird, but lucky for me and my alternator, a few years ago, a friend hit someone while driving my car.

It damaged my front bumper and license plate, but because I knew she didn’t have the resources to easily pay for it at the time and she didn’t get the guy’s information, I just let it go. It bummed me out that someone else dented the car I’d had for 10 years without ever having an accident, but there are worse things that befall people every day, and you can drive with a bent plate and dented bumper. When she heard about our car trouble, she offered to pay for the alternator to make up for the damage from her collision, which is a huge help. Sometimes it can feel like life still kicks you in the teeth, even when you have always helped others, but good deeds do come back to you.

I just need a ride to the bank now to deposit it, so I can pay the car people who will only come out if I give them my debit card online first. Today was not a great day for that, because I am fighting a cold and my mom has not had the best day either, but if we don’t make it out to make a deposit tomorrow, I may break down and resort to GrubHub or pizza delivery, because I cannot take another day of my own cooking or pretend that getting a lukewarm deli eggroll from Safeway Instacart delivery is the same thing as eating out!

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