Change

I like to think of myself as pretty adaptable. When I ran out of episodes of Orange is the New Black, I switched to American Horror Story. When I go out to eat and they put onions on my sandwich, I pick them off without complaining. There have even been times in my life when I’ve actively courted change (and even though I did just change my cut and color, I’m not talking getting bangs, but things like making cross country moves). Change is good. Change invigorates life and keeps it from getting stale. And right now, everything around me feels like it’s in the middle of the growing pains that accompany change.

It all started a couple months ago when I started to realize that I was feeling really stuck in some areas. It began with the realization that the church (and maybe even the religion) I’ve been attending for years no longer meets my needs. I’ve known for a long time that the religious perspective itself wasn’t completely what I believe in, but I stayed because I liked the community. It wasn’t like the message wasn’t a good supplement to my beliefs about deity and our place in the world. It felt homey, even if the message didn’t always resonate in the way it should. At some point, though, I realized that it no longer felt as much like home as it used to and that comfort is not all it’s cracked up to be. Sometimes you have to push yourself in order to grow. And so, I’ve been exploring. I’m not sure where I will end up, but all of the additional reading, thinking and meditating have reinvigorated my spiritual self and it feels good, like maybe I’ll finally find that missing piece in the puzzle I’ve been trying to put together most of my adult life.

Around the same time as the religious doubts started, we began what has turned into an eye surgery journey with my dog Lily. She was going blind and after researching all of our options, we decided to go with an expensive cataract surgery. While the one eye has healed well, the other has been a struggle. There have been almost constant issues with inflammation and even some glaucoma. Last week we finally had a little victory when her doctor declared that we were winning the glaucoma battle (hooray!), but that we still had a long way to go with the inflammation, which was especially disappointing, since she had seemed to be doing so much better after starting with antibiotics. Now we are waiting for Monday to do an ultrasound to see if her retina is trying to detach. Over all, she seems like she is feeling better, but it is so frustrating to be doing everything we are supposed to be doing and still have the recovery progress so slowly. I would do anything for her and I don’t regret it, but where we are now has come at considerable monetary and emotional cost. I try to stay positive about it and to believe that everything will be ok in the end, but I secretly dread the thought of not having a happy ending after putting her through all of this. I guess that’s just what happens when you love someone, even if that someone is covered in fur and only weighs ten pounds.

So, to cheer ourselves up in the middle of all the other stuff, the members of my household consulted, and by a unanimous vote of two, it was decided that we would redecorate the living room in lieu of exchanging Christmas gifts. So far we have our new couch and loveseat (lovely!) and are waiting for the new rug to come. Then it will be on to painting the walls and finally staining our hardwood floors. Of course, this is all happy change that will make our home environment feel so much better, but with the furniture here and the rest still on the way or needing to be done, my living room looks a bit like my life feels right now.

And then after spending all this money on new household stuff, there was the job scare yesterday… 

After losing my job due to a corporate bankruptcy earlier this year, my heart dropped on Friday when my boss called to tell me that the owner and CFO of my company want to move my position to our Michigan headquarters. I had always feared this would one day happen. As the lone finance person in the field, I stick out like a sore thumb, but I’d allowed myself to not think about it, because things had been going so well since being rehired. Before she’d even finished her first sentence, I was pretty much convinced that my conversation with the boss lady was going to end with “…and that’s why we are giving you notice that your position is being terminated.” The last thing I want after my adventure with unemployment this past March is to go through it all AGAIN just before Christmas. Luckily for me, her sentence did not end as I had expected, but rather with “…, but I told them the only way I would feel comfortable with that is if they offer you another position within the company.” And, not only that, but, because I am “too valuable to lose”, she wants it to be a position that I feel is a good fit for me and they agreed! Boy, am I thankful for her esteem. It feels so nice to feel appreciated in such a big, job saving way!

So, as it turns out, the call was not to fire me, but to get a feel of how I would feel about changing positions. So far, the option that was suggested would not only be a good fit, but would be a promotion and would get me away from all the stuff about my current job that makes me anxious. The great thing about it is that it would still be home officed and it uses skills that I feel are more in my wheelhouse than the finance stuff I am currently doing. All in all, pretty exciting stuff, but I am still nervous. It all feels a unreal and a bit up in the air right now, like something could still go wrong. I think I will feel better next week after chatting with my potential new boss (whom I already know and like). The worst thing about change is not the change itself, but the uncertainty about what it will bring.

Of course, all of this up in the air-i-ness is doing nothing for the one thing I really want to change, which is my weight. My diet is almost non-existent at this point. I really need to find a way to suck up the stress with something that does not involve trips to Foster Burger. I started small last night with a wonderful cabbage salad with cellophane noodles and peanut sauce, but I need to dive deeper into healthy eating again. That is, after all, one change over which I have complete control!

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