Today I have come to tell you a secret:
I’ve been kind of half-assing my diet for the past couple months. One week I am determined and counting points; the next I feel defeated and convinced that I am doomed (DOOMED!) to be fat forever. The only good thing about it (believe me, the rest sucks!) is that this is not unexpected, so I am not completely unprepared. Sooner or later, every diet ends up here. They all follow the same path:
1) Become disgusted or just motivated to make a change
2) I find a program. Full of vigor and excitement for change, I follow it for a month or two
3) I lose 20 pounds and, eventually along with it, my steam
4) I give up, convinced that I am destined to die old, fat, alone and surrounded by cats.
5) Limbo and/or gaining back what I lost plus some until something again incites step 1. Rinse. Repeat.
It is so frustrating. Seriously. Sometimes it makes me numb. Sometimes it makes me depressed. Sometimes it makes me cry. Sometimes it make me feel quietly resigned.
This time, however, I am not ready to give up. I am trying really hard to work through whatever roadblock has set itself up in my head and to be kinder to myself and look at it as a journey. So, I’m going to continue to struggle with sticking to it with as much right action as I can and bite the bullet and look for a gym. Thanks to a really unprofessional trainer and a completely disinterested corporate office, my last gym experience with LA Fitness was so horrific and humiliating that I cancelled my membership and decided I was never going to join a gym again, even though there have been thinner times in my life when I actually enjoyed going. Maybe I’ll write about it here one day. For now, just know that the fact that I am even considering going back to a gym is huge. HUGE, I tell you!
Meanwhile, I will remind myself to be a little more forgiving in those times when I slip up and to celebrate those times when I don’t. I am going to fill my mind with as much information, books and documentaries on nutrition, success stories and motivation it can soak in. Something WILL stick. Sometimes filling our thoughts and time with things that help support a goal can make a huge difference in those times when we’re struggling.